Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

As most people know I have zero love for Michael Vick or anyone else who abuses animals for that matter. That’s just how I roll. Now that Vick is in a halfway house and is looking to get back in the NFL, PETA is again stepping in requesting that Vick undergo some physiological testing and a brain scan.

When Vick was convicted in ’07, he enrolled and participated in PETA’s sensitivity training and little did I know until recently, his results are online on PETA’s website.

Vick scored a 73.5 out of a 100. One thing I can say for Vick is his handwriting is way neater than mine. However his answers are both surprising and well amusing.

Vick obliviously loves chickens. I do too especially when it’s fried.

Here are some quotes from PETA’s “Developing Empathy for Animals” test that Vick took.

• “Chickens have an uncanny ability to think and are very agile. They are very athletic to me”.
• Vick describes the sadness that elephants feel when “visiting the grave site of another family member…rubbing the bones with their trunks and…crying out in grief”. He also writes about the “deer who wouldn’t leave his mate and took a [bullet] for her” and the “piglet who went after the drowning little boy in a story I read. Now that’s heroic”.
• Vick describes the golden rule as, “Do on to others as u want them to do on to u” (instructor’s note: “right”). He states he can apply it to his life by “showing [animals] that I care and accept them (as long as the feeling is mutual)” (instructor’s note: “not right”).
• “My Aunt Tina own[ed] a Rotti named Tico. Once my aunt and her boyfriend Wayne [were] having an intense fight. Tico couldn’t get into the house and thought my Aunt Tina was in danger. She jump[ed] through a glass window and pin[ned] my Aunt boyfriend Wayne to the ground just growling until my Aunt called her off. Now that’s loyalty.”

The real question is if the chickens have respect for Michael Vick.

Coming this summer…Bad Newz Chicken Coop.

I’m against Vick playing in the NFL again but I also can’t stand PETA as well. So that being said, I gotta say, if you are going to apply the golden rule to animals and elevate them to the same moral status as man, Vick’s interpretation of how it should be applied has some merit.

So fuck you, Mr. “Not Right” instructor, and go find me some pictures of naked vegans.