The following was written by Gray of Left On Lanier, who has allowed us to publish this. All the credit goes to him and him alone. This is hi·lar·i·ous.

Yes but for how long?

Bobby Petrino, is an American football coach and an asshole. He is currently head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks, but that could change by the end of this article.

Early Years

Petrino was born on Osama Bin Laden’s birthday (March 10) in Montana. He reached his peak of maturity 13 years later. He remained an emotional invalid through his college career as quarterback for Carroll College.

Coaching Career

Petrino became offensive coordinator at his Alma mater in 1985, helping Carroll College became the highest scoring team in the NAIA division. This distinction means nothing, since NAIA football is not real football. Petrino shows no emotion. He then started chasing jobs like Johnny Knoxville chases death. He worked at Weber State, Carroll, Weber State (again), Idaho, Arizona State, Nevada, and Utah State in the next ten years. Bobby likes the barren southwest. Its desolate landscape, long lonely expanses, and unforgivable terrain reminded him of his own vacant soul.

Petrino cried once, didn’t like it, and never did it again.

In 1997, Petrino went to Louisville. Then he went to Jacksonville. Then he went to Auburn. Then he returned to Louisville. His wife got tired of this shit.

UPDATE

Bobby Petrino is still currently the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

The Louisville Years

His wife got tired of this shit. In 1997 he became coach at Louisville (again) and decided he’d settle down for the rest of his life, or at least for four years or so. During this period, Petrino interviewed at Auburn, LSU and the Oakland Raiders.

Louisville got tired of this shit. After having some success and demonstrating one of the keenest offensive minds in real college football and not that NAIA crap, the Louisville Administration took control. The emotionally crippled Petrino agreed to a ten year, 25.5 million dollar contract on July 13, 2006 to remain their head coach and quit interviewing for every possible job within a 300-mile radius.

The Atlanta Months

This sumbitch signed a five year deal with the Atlanta Falcons less than six months later. Upon arriving in Atlanta, his star QB was accused of sneaking marijuana on an Airtran flight. Soon afterward, one of his players broke his leg in a jet-ski accident, another player was arrested for punching a dog in the face, his third string QB blew out his ACL. This was the good part.

Soon his star QB raised the ante by bankrolling a dog fighting operation, smoking pot while awaiting sentencing, and getting sent to Federal Prison. Petrino started Joey Harrington, for God’s sake. Soon, he replaced Harrington with a black guy that broke his ankle and bruised his tailbone, and then another guy who hadn’t played in the NFL in several years and sold insurance door-to-door in 2006. His team went 3-10. Petrino got tired of this shit.

Less than 24 hours after coaching the Atlanta Falcons in a nationally televised loss, Petrino accepted the job as the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. He didn’t even wait for the END OF THE SEASON IN HIS FIRST YEAR. He had 3 jobs in 2007. Petrino makes Jeff George look stable.

The Arkansas Hours

Petrino is currently (still) the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

Trivia about Bobby Petrino

Petrino has had more jobs than Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

He has coached at 11 different places, 3 of these places TWICE. That’s a lot of freaking moving.

He has no allegiance to any team, or fan, or institution. He will lie to you.

Petrino doesn’t smile, as it is seen as weakness in most primates.

Listen. And understand. Bobby Petrino is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.