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I Gots Me a Slew of Women Problems
Posted by Billy Bob Bammer on April 21, 2008
Hi Yall…Billy Bob here. I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. You see me and my second cousin removed who is also my wife and my sister by birth, Bertha Bob Bammer, have been fighting. I fact I tell ya we’s done split up.
Yeah she left me for someone because they gots fancier cloths than me, a bigger porch to put the dogs under, indoor plumbing & his mustache is coming thicker than hers. I hate my uncle! That son of a whoa whoa…. I can’t say that cause technically his mother is my mother and our cousin. Anyway I’m going to give you my top 10 dating tips.
WooHoo Pa lock up the younger sisters I’s back on the hunt again!
- Do not enter your date in a female mud-wrestling contest without asking her permission.
- Do not refer to your hunting dog or mother as “the other woman in your life.”
- Do not mention your UFO abduction experiences until at least the third date.
- Do not expect a woman wearing a dress to be happy about climbing into a truck with tires that are taller than she is. Be sure to warn her to wear jeans.
- Your favorite faded Dukes of Hazard t-shirt should be saved for the fifth or more date, unless, of course, it’s the only clean shirt you have.
- If the woman drives (which should be illegal since it’s a sin! Book of Bear: 5:15), never, ever try to get away with spitting tobacco down the side of your seat on the hope that she won’t notice. She’s not like your slobbering fishing buddies, so you must always roll down your window when you need to spit.
- Never compare her figure to that of a Coors can, even if you’re trying to tell her that she’s real sleek.
- Deep Woods Off! is not a substitute for deodorant.
- Never tell a woman straight out that you can’t have her name tatooed on you because your Mom, who is so proud of your bicep bearing her name, would be psychotically jealous unless of course it is your Mom.
- Do not invite a woman to go cow-tipping if she’s wearing high heels which don’t happen much in this state…hell shoes is rare as well.
There you have it folks…I sure do miss Bertha…ain’t she purty…I hate my uncle!
MoonDog said
Tide Druid is going to be mad that you posted a pic of his old lady on this site.