Your Mother Slept With Wilt Chamberlain

Just days after the devastating and rather embarrassing loss to Championship Subdivision team — formerly I-AA, formerly another irrelevant school, formerly the tiny school that could Appalachian State at the big flop house, Meechagen head sitting lame duck coach Lloyd Carr hints to being rather clueless about this whole football thing and maybe a scapegoat has been found.

“What we have to do in a short time here is become a more disciplined team, a smarter team and a team that executes better,” Carr said. “I had nine months to prepare to Appy State & I blew it. I personally blame Ron English the defensive coordinator. Even though I’m the coach and we sucked overall I need to have a scapegoat damnit, and he is it. With a chance to win the game, we didn’t execute a fundamental play — a play that we have worked extremely hard at all fall. Somehow, someway this is Ron English’s fault not mine.” Carr said.

While there is an upset fan base, the football players are equally upset.

“There were a lot of people on the team [who] were really in a bad mood and a lot of people who took a lot of blame on themselves,” offensive lineman Adam Kraus said. “But we had a lot of missed opportunities in there, and it ended up really hurting us. Damn that Ron English if I see him I’ll kill him myself. “

Even former players such as Indianapolis Colts defensive back Marlin Jackson, a former Michigan standout, said he was embarrassed by the result.

“We lost to a I-AA program, and we were a top-five team,” he said. “To go out and be the first team in history to lose to a I-AA team, it hurts. Not like the hurting I’m going to put on Ron English though, English you’re a dead man.”

While Michigan is trying to restore themselves and get ready to play next Saturday, Coach Jerry Moore has done dozens of national television and radio interviews. The New York Times put a story about the upset on the front page of the news section Monday. Sports Illustrated is planning a piece on the team this week.

And the school’s chancellor is soaking it all in.

“Life is different at Appalachian, no more incest parties” Kenneth Peacock said. “People are going to want to come and see the team that took out Michigan. Imagine our little school beat Michigan, that’s like my five year old daughter kicking the Rock’s ass. Life is going to be different on our campus for a while. Some of the players might actually get laid without paying for it. It’s going to be exciting.”

Even coaches from other schools are rather upset about this. Jack Crowe the former Arkansas with a record of 9-15, who was fired after an upset loss to Division 1-AA team The Citadel in 1992, said “What the fuck is Michigan waiting on? Fire the guy already. I mean when I lost that game in 92, we weren’t ranked #5, hell we weren’t ranked at all. Just before I was going to take a shower, I was canned. Told to get the fuck out and don’t come back. Jesus, it’s not fair, he should have been fired before leaving the field Saturday.”

When Charlie Weis was notified about the loss he was speechless for several seconds before bursting out in uncontrollable laughter. Weis was quoted as saying “Holy shit I thought we sucked, we better be able to beat them this year.”

While all the focus shouldn’t be on Coach Carr or Ron English, because of this loss the LSU fans should be worried since Les “Little dick big hat” Miles attended the University of Michigan, where he was a two year letterman under legendary Coach Bo Schembechler in 1974-75. In 1980, Miles returned to Michigan as an assistant coach to Schembechler. As a precautionary the LSU faithful are already offering him extra corndogs, even larger hats and performing Voo Doo rituals in order he’ll stay. Unless he loses a game this year, then they’ll be glad he’s gone.

So I profess on this day 9/4/07.

tTt